A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behaviour deeply affect themselves. They may compulsively try to control the situation and the other person’s behaviour while neglecting / not nurturing their sense of self. (Source: Melody Beattie – Codependent No More)
Signs of codependency
- Obsessive need for approval / low self-worth
- Constant self-sacrifice and a sense of martyrdom
- Needing to ‘fix’, rescue or control others
- Idealising partners or loved ones
- Using manipulation to control others’ behaviours
- A history of difficult & failed relationships
- Inability to enjoy solitude – feeling anxious or depressed when alone
- A need to be needed
- Giving unsolicited advice
- Moods being dictated by others
- Discouraging independence
- Having unrealistic expectations
- Blaming others for how you feel
- Experiencing constant guilt
- People pleasing and fear of disappointing others
- Discomfort with peace + pursuing conflict
Reasons for codependency
Children who grew up in dysfunctional families often show codependent tendencies. This could be a childhood that felt:
- Chaotic or unpredictable
- Scary or unsafe
- Overly harsh or abusive
- Emotionally or physically neglectful
How to deal with it:
If you identify with being in a codependent relationship, begin with taking tiny steps towards interdependence.
An interdependent person recognises the value of self + relationships. They know that they need others for a sense of safety and well-being and they also value their personal freedom and independence. This allows them + their loved ones to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are.
Codependence sounds like:
- “How they feel is how I feel.”
- “I expect them to fulfil all my needs.”
- “I need to handle this for them.”
- “I am afraid of being rejected or abandoned.”
- “I feel blame and resentment towards them.”
- “I need them to agree with me/ validate me /make me feel better.”
Interdependence sounds like:
- “We can hold space for each other’s emotions.”
- “There are things I expect from them and things I expect from myself.”
- “They are capable of handling things on their own.”
- “I feel secure from within and can communicate my needs to them honestly.”
- “I am capable of assuming responsibility and I can ask for support.”
- “I can validate myself and practice self-care to feel better.”
Please Note:
- A certain degree of dependency in relationships is healthy and normal. We need people and relationships and this is not codependency.
- It is okay to expect in relationships, this is not codependency. A constant need for approval with unrealistic expectations is seen in codependency.
- Many signs of codependency may overlap with other behavioural patterns or conditions.
Sources and recommended reading:
- Codependent No More – Melody Beattie
- The Language of Letting Go – Melody Beattie
- The work of Dr. Nicole LePera
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love – Amir Levine
