Family enmeshment describes the lack of boundaries between family members. It happens when roles are confused, parents are overly dependent on their children & family members are not allowed to become emotionally independent.
Signs of Family enmeshment
- One or both of your parents are controlling or strict
- One family member’s emotional state is dependent on another’s
- You are shamed for saying “NO” to your parents or siblings
- You feel a heavy responsibility for your parents’ happiness
- All decisions are based on your family’s approval
- You are made to feel guilty for making your own decisions
- You aren’t encouraged to follow your dreams and/ or your parents’ self-worth is tied to your success
- Your siblings share personal information about you and violate your privacy
- You are pressured to spend time with your family and guilt-tripped for spending time with friends
- You were forced to take on adult responsibilities as a child such as looking after your siblings or sick relatives or listening to your parents’ problems (parentification)
- You sacrifice your needs often to keep the peace
How Enmeshment affects us in Adulthood
- Low self-worth, weak sense of self and constant approval-seeking
- Anxiety
- Fear of abandonment
- Forming codependent relationships
- Normalizing abuse
- Inability to self-soothe and sit with difficult emotions
- Guilt or shame in meeting our personal needs
Ways to deal with it:
- Setting Boundaries
The concept of boundaries is often alien in enmeshed families, but developing them is crucial to one’s well- being. Begin by setting small, gentle boundaries. Practice saying:
- I would love to join but I have other things to attend to right now
- I need you to understand that my friends are also important to me
- I know you want the best for me but I’ve made my decision
- Dealing with the discomfort
When you start setting boundaries with family, prepare to be met with anger and discomfort. Some things to keep in mind:
- Setting boundaries with family can feel odd and upsetting at first, but leads to healthier relationships. You will get through the discomfort
- If it runs in your family, it will keep happening until you do something about it
- If you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it
- You can be a kind person AND have boundaries
- Reclaiming your sense of self
Journalling is one the best ways to self-discovery. Here are some journaling prompts to work with:
– What are my personal values? Do my actions align with them?
– What are my strengths?
– What brings me happiness?
– What does my dream life look like?
– How am I feeling emotionally?
Knowing yourself better will help you assert your needs and make your own decisions.
Remember:
- WHILE FAMILY ENMESHMENT IS COMMONLY OBSERVED IN SOUTH-ASIAN FAMILIES, FAMILIES DON’T NEED TO BE COMPLETELY UNMESHED AS PER WESTERN NORMS TO BE HEALTHY
- ENMESHMENT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE BAD PARENTS. THERE IS NO PERFECT FAMILY.
- YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OWN VALUES AND GOALS AND BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARENTS’ SACRIFICES
- YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR OWN NEEDS AND CARE ABOUT YOUR FAMILY’S NEEDS
- YOU CAN SET PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES AND ENJOY TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY
