Ghosting happens when someone abruptly ceases all forms of contact and communication without any explanation. It is a common phenomenon in today’s dating and social culture and can leave one feeling deeply hurt, betrayed and disrespected.
Why do people ghost?
- To avoid conflict & confrontation
- They are no longer interested/ invested in the relationship and genuinely believe that they are inflicting less pain by ghosting instead of being honest
- Because it’s convenient
- Because they don’t know how they feel and would rather not work through their difficult emotions
- They fear disappointing people
- They are aware that they cannot meet your needs and manage their shame by withdrawing
- Because don’t feel like they are provided a safe space to openly express how they feel
- Many people ghost because their boundaries are repeatedly violated (in which case ghosting may be the appropriate action)
How ghosting affects us
For many, ghosting can trigger unhealed childhood attachment wounds and bring up repressed memories of emotional neglect and abandonment. This can leave one feeling deeply hurt, distressed & rejected regardless of how we feel about the other person.
Ways to deal with it
- Remember that it’s not about you, it’s about them
Ghosting is a sign of emotional immaturity. Remind yourself that their behaviour and inability to communicate their feelings is on them to work out & says nothing about your worth.
2. Try to see it as a gift
This may be difficult to do but immensely helpful. Write down or say this out loud as if to them: “Thank you for showing me your level of emotional unavailability/ maturity/ lack of respect for me. I now know this wasn’t the right thing for me.” Make it the fuel to help you move on.
3. Talk about it
Research has shown that putting our feelings into words makes our sadness, anger & pain less intense. This is one of the reasons therapy works and why talking to friends and family can get us through tough times – so keep talking or journalling till you feel better about it all.
Is it okay to get it touch with my ghoster for closure?
According to most relationship experts, the best way to respond to ghosting is to stop contact. Being ghosted is clarity enough on what the ghoster wants. Reaching out again makes us more vulnerable and not receiving a response could lead to more pain & humiliation. But if you really need to reach out for closure here is something you could say from a place of being in control of your choices:
“Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a long time, so this relationship is over for me. I wish you were just honest with me about your feelings instead of disappearing. I hope another person never has to deal with being ghosted by you. All the best.”
Sources and Further Reading:
- Ghosting – Why is it so confusing & hurtful – Nabill Zaffir, Trauma Informed therapist
- Reasons why people ghost – Sharon Peykar, LCSW
- Putting feelings into words produces therapeutic effects in the brain – ScienceDaily
- Why ghosting hurts so much – Psychology Today
