Parentification happens when a child is forced to take on emotional and functional caregiving responsibilities for their parents, siblings or family members. This kind of a role-reversal can have long-lasting negative emotional impact on an individual.
Parentification is of two types:
Instrumental:
- Managing household needs such as paying bills, cooking grocery shopping
- Taking complete care of a younger sibling
- Managing medical appointments
Emotional:
- Listening to a parent talk about their problems
- Playing the role of mentor or advisor
- Keeping family secrets
- Mediating between family members
NOTE: Not all childhood responsibilities are considered parentification.
If you’re unsure if your parent-child interactions are healthy, Dr. Henin suggests asking two questions: “Whose needs are being met?” and “Is the demand age-appropriate?”
ALSO: Brief periods of responsibility are different from the “pervasive, persistent, and intense demands placed on a parentified child.”
Reasons for parentification:
- Having a parent with a physical or mental health CONDITION
- Substance abuse
- Financial hardships or overburdened parents
- Single-parent families
- Extremely big families
- Abusive relationship between parents
- Death of a sibling or parent
Signs of parentification:
- Growing up feeling like you had to be responsible or things would fall apart
- Trouble “letting loose” or having fun
- Feeling responsible for your parents or siblings as a child
- Experiencing anxiety or depression
- Suppressing your needs / people-pleasing
- Compulsive caregiving: Feeling like you’ve been the “caregiver” or “peacemaker” all your life
- Low self-worth and self-esteem
- Hyper-dependence or codependence
Ways to deal with it:
- Recognise why the parentification takes place
Understanding why something happened doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it. However, recognising the reasons can help extend understanding to your parents, where warranted.
It may be possible to accept that your parents probably did the best with what they knew at that time. Some reasons that may not warrant understanding include abandonment, neglect or abuse.
- Be the parent you needed
Healing happens within yourself. Recognise the needs that were not met in your childhood and attempt to meet them.
As children we rely on our parents to fulfill most of our needs, but as adults we are capable of fulfilling many of our needs on our own. Learn and practice self-regulation, self-approval and self-love. Cultivate healthier relationships that support your needs.
- Break the cycle with your parents
It’s common for patterns to repeat themselves generation after generation.Identify your own unhealthy patterns and be the one to break the cycle. Be the gentle and self-aware parent you wish you had. Commit to cultivating an emotionally mature and empathetic relationship with your children.
