Take a moment to think about how these statements feel:
“I love your idea but we can try…”
“I can see you’re upset but I’m trying…”
“I care about you but...”
Listening to statements with a “but” – especially when listening to feedback – rarely feels good. This is because when we use the word “but” it feels like we are dismissing or negating what was said before, even if we don’t intend to.
Instead, try this.
Replace “but” with “and” and observe how it transforms your message.
“I love your idea AND we can try…
“I can see you’re upset AND I’m trying…”
“I care about you AND…”
AND:
- Supportive and empowering
- Validates both people
- Accepts that two conflicting truths can be true at the same time
BUT:
- Defensive and dismissive
- Can feel invalidating
- Rejects one’s experience in favor of the other
Please note: This kind of reframing won’t always work and doesn’t always apply. In many instances saying “but” may be appropriate or even necessary.
