Sociologist Charles Derber describes two kinds of responses in conversations: a shift response and a support response.
Shift Response: Shift responses are a form of conversational narcissism. They help you turn the focus constantly back to yourself.
Support Response: Support responses encourage the other person to continue talking. It lets them know you’re listening and interested in hearing more.
Examples of Shift Responses:
Sarah: I’ve had such a terrible day. Roy: Me too! I’ve been stuck with…
Joy: I have so much work to do. Susan: You’re telling me! I am so overwhelmed with..
Alexa: I had such a troubled childhood. Nats: My mother was emotionally abusive too…
Priya: I am in so much pain right now. Justin: I know exactly how you feel…
Examples of Support Responses
Sarah: I’ve had such a terrible day. Roy: What happened? Tell me more about it.
Joy: I have so much work to do. Susan: What do you need to get done?
Alexa: I had such a troubled childhood. Nats: Do you want to talk about it?
Priya: I am in so much pain right now. Justin: What can I do to help?
Support Responses
- Keep the focus on the other person
- Make the speaker feel heard and understood
- Show empathy
- Encourage the speaker to keep sharing
- Build trust and connection
Shift Responses
- Move the focus from the other person onto yourself
- Make the speaker feel unheard
- Show a lack of empathy
- Discourage the speaker from sharing more
- Diminish trust and connection
