In a popular study conducted by Dr. John Gottman and Robert Levenson, they observed that couples who are happy and stay together have a specific balance in their positive and negative interactions during times of conflict. According to their study, a stable relationship requires a positive-to-negative interaction ratio of approximately 5:1. This is the “magic ratio” in relationships. It means, for every 1 negative interaction during conflict, there needs to be at least 5 positive interactions.
It was also observed that unhappy couples have higher negative-to-positive interactions and over time this broke down their love & relationship.
1 negative interaction = 5 positive interactions
The balance is not equal because negative interactions and experiences leave a stronger emotional impact than positive experiences.
Dr. John Gottman’s research also describes the most common positive and negative interactions responsible for building and breaking down relationships.
The positive interactions that build stability in relationships:
- Asking questions, listening and showing empathy
- Displays of affection: holding hands, hugs, kisses, gifts and acts of service
- Kind words and words of appreciation
- Admitting fault & apologising
- Sharing laughs, playful teasing and humour
The negative interactions that break down relationships:
- Being emotionally dismissive
- Stonewalling
- Expressing criticism or contempt
- Being defensive
- Exaggerated complaining: “you always…” “you never…”
- Negative body language such as eye-rolling
- Using “yes but” remarks
- Providing constant negative feedback
This “magic ratio” reminds us that relationships thrive on kindness, communication and affection. On the flip side, negativity like constant criticism or giving them the silent treatment can corrode our relationships. To keep the magic alive in your relationships, remember to cherish the good moments, communicate with kindness and keep building on your positivity ratio.
