The mother wound and ways to heal it

The Mother Wound is the unresolved pain and trauma of being a woman, passed on from a mother to her children. It comes from women being conditioned to think of themselves as “less-than” in male-dominated cultures. It is the feeling of unworthiness + the resulting dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are passed down through generations of children.

Daughters and sons can both experience mother wounds. However, daughters more commonly carry forward their mother’s wounds.

How this might have looked for you as a child:

Your mother was not emotionally attuned to you
She belittled your feelings and shamed you often
She was overly critical of you
She needed you to take care of her physical or emotional needs
She was more concerned with how you looked to the world than what was happening within you
She tried to control every choice in your life
She guilt-tripped you for prioritizing yourself
She behaved like a victim or martyr

Signs you have a mother wound:

Difficulty in relating to and loving your mother
Questioning your own rights, freedom and value
Possessing poor boundaries
Being a ‘fixer’ and people-pleasing patterns
Codependency in relationships
The need to mother your mother
Feelings of guilt while taking care of yourself
Being rigid and controlling
Feeling competitive with other women
Inability to self-soothe
Rejecting your own potential out of fear of disapproval from others
Reluctance to share with your mother when you are upset or have a problem
Feeling a heavy sense of responsibility for your mother’s happiness
Unconsciously needing your mother’s approval for your own decisions
The feeling that wholesome and healthy relationships never happen to you

Ways to heal your mother wound:

1. See, acknowledge and accept your mother for who she is: Your mother is also a human dealing with her own mother’s wounds. She may have simply repeated the cycles she experienced as a child. Make space for her humanness and imperfections. Explore if it’s possible to cultivate a relationship based on acceptance. If your mother was abusive or entirely absent, this may not be possible.

2. Become the gentle parent you needed and take responsibility for your healing: It’s possible to give yourself the love, care, validation and kindness you need. Identify what needs of yours weren’t met as a child and commit to meeting them. Appreciate your own progress, efforts and accomplishments. Remind yourself often: “I can take care of myself.”

3. Make space for your grief and feelings: What you experienced wasn’t fair or okay. It’s okay to grieve a childhood that lacked an emotional bond with your mother. It’s okay to have mixed feelings about your mother. It’s okay to want to be closer to your mother. It’s okay to separate yourself from your mother. It’s okay to create a life as you want it.

4. Reclaim your sense of worth: The most powerful way to reprogram our beliefs about ourselves is through constant & conscious self-talk. Repeat to yourself as often as possible: