What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is loyalty to a person who is destructive. It occurs because of cycles of abuse followed by intermittent love or reward. This treatment creates a powerful emotional bond that is extremely hard to break. People often don’t realise they are in a trauma bond while others outside the relationship can clearly see its destructive patterns.
According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, these types of destructive attachments are known as “betrayal bonds” and can take place in any context where a relationship can be formed. They can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, within the family, and the workplace.
The 7 stages of Trauma Bonding:
- Love Bombing: They shower you with excess love, flattery and appreciation in order to gain your affection
- Trust and dependency: They do everything to win your trust and make you depend on them heavily for love & validation
- Criticism: They gradually start criticising you. They blame you for things and become more demanding
- Gaslighting: When things go wrong they tell you that it is your fault. They make you doubt your own perceptions and manipulate you into believing their narrative
- Resigning to control: You no longer know what to believe but your only way of experiencing the good feelings of Stage 1 is by giving in and doing things their way
- Loss of self: When you fight back, things get worse. You settle for anything to have some peace and make the fights stop. You lose all your confidence
- Addiction: You get addicted to the highs and lows. Your body is on a constant cortisol high (stress) and craves dopamine (pleasure). This creates a cycle of dependency that feels a lot like a drug addiction
Signs of being in a trauma bond:
- A pattern of non-performance: the person constantly promises you things and constantly lets you down
- You have tried to leave, but it’s made you feel physically ill, like you will die or your life will be destroyed if you do
- You know the person is ‘sometimes’ abusive and destructive, but you focus on the ‘good’ in them
- You feel that you don’t even like or trust the person anymore but you cannot leave
- You friends and family have advised you against the relationship but you stay
- Others seem disturbed by things that happen to you but you brush it off
- They say things you want to hear to resolve issues temporarily – “I have Iearnt my lesson”, “I will prove my love for you everyday”
- You feel protective about the person because of their ‘difficult past’ or ‘childhood’ and find yourself caring for them despite their abusive behaviour
- You know you are being manipulated but you’re often in denial and block out or quickly forget the bad things
- The relationship is intense and inconsistent. You do everything to please them and are unconditionally loyal while getting nothing but heartbreak in return
- You are driven to the point of self-destruction and often harbour thoughts of self-harm
If you identify yourself as being in a trauma bond remember:
Most of those who are in a trauma bond, don’t immediately recognise it. The first step towards breaking free from it is reconnecting with reality and accepting it.
Trauma bonds can occur because of childhood or unresolved past trauma. Because of its addictive nature, it can be difficult to break free on your own. It is recommended that you seek the support of a psychotherapist or healing/ recovery expert.
People of all genders can be victims in a trauma bond.
Resources and further reading:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/understanding-narcissism/201801/why-is-it-so-hard-leave-the-narcissist-in-your-life
- https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/
- https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
- The Betrayal Bond: Breaking free of exploitative relationships by Patrick J. Carnes
- Power: Surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse by Shahida Arabi
